University of Floridafayeharr@ufl.edu
What is the state of our national conversation on race? Are we moving forward or moving backward in race relations? Do we need to correct our current course? How?
writing resistance and desire, challenging systems of oppression, and carving spaces for we stories.
so it's been a long time... i've missed sharing on this space - conscious vibration - and i've been just so busy that time continuously escapes me as I rush to and fro deadlines, meetings, teaching, and simply being. I have so much to say that I will need hours to get it all out, so meanwhile as I re-group and gather my thoughts, I share this poem. I started writing it in Trinidad when I was there for Carnival - and it's been sitting in my journal waiting patiently for nourishment. I finally let it free for a Caribbean Multicultural Showcase a couple weeks ago. The first poem I've finished in a long time - so I hope it will give me the spark I need to continue my writing journey... and on this all hallows eve, I remember my ancestors through this poem and through my life... cause I'm still here...
What is the
What did you experience in these streets,
In these hills of
All I have is this biography of you:
“born in
So what of these lines of descent
These migrations across the
What made you move?
What made you stay?
All I have is this picture of you in my head
a photograph my mother carried of you,
tall, poised, proud, eyes full of wisdom,
stature full of strength,
mouth curved and hardened
from the experiences of your life
that I will never know
but I can wonder and imagine you
and wield you into an existence,
if only in my mind, if only on this page.
And then these words come to me, through this memory of you:
The stories, the words.
these gifts of our many languages
our spirits, our souls
of being, of living in these
and what are we to make of these spaces?
how can we describe the similarities
of our islands, our cultures, our nation languages?
how can we make sense of our differences, our uniqueness,
And still be unified in our struggles for liberation?
As we re-map and re-define these, our Caribbean spaces,
how can we focus on the local, and at the same time,
open up to include these movements and migrations
within and outside
this region - is it our center? is it ours at all?
Where is here? Who draws our maps?
What is the
It is beyond geographic location
It is spatially expanding as
maintain and re-produce our cultures at home and abroad.
It is historically connective tissue that has spread
and weaved its way around all these spaces
with similar histories and herstories – slavery, the middle passage, colonization.
It is a region of nations/places that share cultures, and people
with creolisation at the heart – the mixing and mingling of races and languages
that show strength, survival, and possibility for people of African, Asian, and Indian descent – stolen lives, stolen stories, still surviving, still living here and there…
It is complex and ever-changing.
It is an interplay of being – the past being ever present –
In these colonized and neo-colonized spaces of here and there,
Searching for a future that is ours and free.
so I got back from my trip home, and somehow the entire month of july escaped me in the midst of work, work, and more work... I had some crazy deadlines, but the good news is - I met them :) I finished the written materials for my qualifying exams - dissertation prospectus, introduction, a chapter, and bibliography - and my oral exam is on the 21st of August... just days away... suffice to say, life has been hectic... and I also taught for the past six weeks - dreaded college writing 2 but that's over now and it was actually fine. Being back in da'ville has been challenging - I'm missin' home fa real. But I returned with a renewed sense of urgency - to get shit done - an' dat is kinda what I did... July brought me stress and success - perhaps the universe does work in three's - cause I met my major deadline, found out that I won a fellowship I applied for, and five of my poems got accepted for publication - so all in all, summer madness has brought to bear worthwhile and fulfilling fruit...
And even though I got all this stuff done, I still look back on July and wondered what happened to it? where did it go? an' august threatens to slip away just as fast. As soon as I cover its pages of seconds, minutes, hours, and days, the weeks rush through my fingertips as my calendar becomes dated, my notes no longer make sense, and all my promises are broken... perhaps these are not so much promises, but rather they are all these unspoken notes written in memory during showers, dreams, and car rides, notes that promise I will do this and that, call so an' so who I haven't talked to in ages, mediate, exercise, spend time wit' me, listen to that album I've been dying to hear, file old notes and bills, and oh yes, while I'm doin all this, somehow get my work done to... cause isn't that why I 'm here - to get dat paper... an' in the midst of writing, thinking, and sorting out all the shit in my head to make it sound like what I want to write about for the next two years, nothing makes sense anymore, but it comes together - ready to be seen and heard... I finished something and it felt so good... I wanted to scream from the ocean's edges, tell my spirit guides, my ancestors, that I think I can actually do this. I was beginning to doubt myself and the stress started to get to me... which is why I had to check out, so all I did for weeks was write, think, reflect, write some more, take mental health days, and take care of me... an' while home had so many blessings, it also came with difficult and painful memories - most I try to escape but they catch me unguarded and ill prepared to feel all that again... I hope for days when it won't be so hard, when they will only tug at me ever so slightly and I can smile through them...
so what in the hell does this have to do with july? this is where it went - lost between my work as a phd student and my life as I search for well being and reconnecting to my spiritual truth; july 2006 - trapped forever between my 30th birthday and my tenuous august 1st deadline - with my mother's birthday among the ashes and my journey to discover her again and again.
an' now we in august, i look forward, wishing for more positive three's an' wibes.
I have no insightful reports and riveting debates to start right now - all I have is this and these words that probably only make sense to me and my lost july...
Angelique